Women Are Not Your Competition: Comparison & Anxiety

Some conversations don’t end when the recording stops. Sitting down with my secondary school form tutor for this episode of To All The Girls Out There reminded me that women are not your competition. It wasn’t just a podcast episode —It was a reminder. It felt like a nudge to reflect on who I’m becoming and how I move through the world as a woman.

As I’ve been growing, building, and trying to stay aligned with myself, a few themes from our conversation have stayed with me — especially around comparison, asking for more, and the quiet ways women are taught to shrink or compete.

Growing Up Feeling Different

We spoke a lot about school — especially how isolating it can feel when you don’t quite fit into the dynamics around you.

I struggled with friendships growing up, not because I didn’t want connection, but because I searched for something deeper and more honest than what was around me. I didn’t always have the same mindset as the people around me, and that gap can feel really lonely when you’re young.

At some point, I stopped trying to force myself into friendships that didn’t feel aligned and decided to become the kind of friend I wished I had. That shift changed everything. I didn’t need to belong to everyone — I just needed to be true to myself.

And that’s something I wish more girls were told earlier: having strong values might mean fewer people around you, but it also means less fakeness, less exhaustion, and more peace.

Friendships, Finding Your People, and Letting Go

We also spoke about friendships — especially after leaving school.

Ms Probett gave advice that stuck with me:

“You won’t always find your people at work. You find them in the things you love.”

As adults, we stop giving ourselves permission to have hobbies, to explore, to be beginners again. But connection often comes from shared joy, not shared struggle.

And if you’re happy in your solitude, that’s okay too.

Felling Lonely and being alone are not the same thing.

That idea ties perfectly into an episode on my private podcast where I discuss why being strict with who you let into your life can actually protect your energy

Why Girlhood Feels So Heavy Now

One of the biggest themes of this episode was how intense it is to be a girl today.

Social media has changed everything. Comparison is constant. You can’t switch off. Images, standards, and expectations bombard you 24/7 — and that pressure affects girls at younger and younger ages.

It’s not as simple as telling a girl, “you’re too young for makeup” or “don’t compare yourself.” When everyone your age online looks older, more polished, and more confident, it messes with how you see yourself.

Adults often forget this. We tell girls to be confident while filtering our own faces. We tell them not to care while caring deeply ourselves. And that contradiction doesn’t go unnoticed.

This is why grace matters. Teenagers aren’t dramatic or difficult — they’re navigating chaos in a world that never switches off.

Women Are Not Your Competition

This part of the conversation stayed with me the most.

“Society teaches women — both subtly and loudly — to view each other as competition. For space. For attention. For success. For worth.

But the truth is: multiple women can exist fully at the same time.

Miss Probett mentioned how her friend said we need to be more like bread ( listen to the ep to understand) 😭

There doesn’t have to be one smart woman, one pretty woman, one confident woman, one successful woman.

You can be all of those.

The comparison trap (and how it disguises itself as “inner work”)

Comparison is sneaky.

Sometimes it doesn’t show up as jealousy or resentment. Sometimes it shows up dressed as self-development.

I’ve noticed this in myself recently. I’ll see another woman — her energy, her confidence, the way she carries herself — and instead of simply appreciating it, I start measuring myself against her. Why don’t I move like that? Why don’t I feel that grounded yet? Why does it look easier for her?

And sometimes I’ll even justify it by calling it “inspiration” or “inner work”.

But the truth is: inspiration and insecurity can exist in the same moment. And if we’re not honest with ourselves, comparison can quietly chip away at our self-trust.

One of the most important reminders from this conversation was this:

There doesn’t need to be one smart woman, one pretty woman, one confident woman, one funny woman.

Two women can be all of those things.

Three women can.

A room full of women can.

We’ve been conditioned to believe there’s limited space — limited attention, limited success, limited value. That lie keeps us distracted, insecure, and constantly scanning instead of grounded in ourselves.

Another woman’s light is not proof of your lack.

You don’t need to become her — you need to become you

When I slowed down and really sat with this, I realised something uncomfortable but freeing: a lot of the time, comparison is actually a sign that we’re disconnected from ourselves. When you’re rooted in who you are, other women don’t feel like threats — they feel like mirrors, reminders, or simply other people living their own lives. You don’t need to extract pieces of someone else’s personality to be worthy, and you don’t need to compete for space that was never scarce to begin with. Your job isn’t to become another woman; your job is to honour your own lane — even when it’s quieter, slower, or less validated right now.

Anxiety, Perfectionism, and the Need for Control

We also spoke openly about anxiety — what it actually feels like, not just the labels it carries.

For me, anxiety showed up as perfectionism. A deep need to control how I was perceived. Overthinking every interaction. Feeling physically sick over the fear of getting something wrong or not living up to the image I had in my head of who I should be.

It became harder when people didn’t understand me. When someone doesn’t know what anxiety feels like, they often try to problem-solve — asking questions you don’t have answers to — which can make you feel like even more of a burden.

One of the most important things we spoke about was the power of having people who understand, who don’t demand explanations, who can step in and take the wheel when you don’t have the capacity to.

Healing isn’t about erasing anxiety or pretending it never existed. It’s about learning how to live with yourself more gently.

Asking for More: Because Women Are Not Your Competition

Another part of the conversation that really stayed with me was the idea of asking for more.

We discussed how society conditions women to soften their language: apologising before speaking, justifying their needs, and cushioning their requests.

Ms P put it simply:

“Women feel like we can’t just say no without explaining ourselves.”

As women, many of us grow up learning how to endure — to be resilient, patient, understanding, and accommodating. And while those qualities are powerful, they can quietly turn into cages if we let them define the limits of our lives.

I shared how watching men communicate — especially in work settings — made me realise how direct they are. Not rude. Just clear.

And that clarity changes outcomes.

Yes, we may have struggles, and yes, the system may not always be built with us in mind, but we cannot use that as an excuse to stay small forever. There are women out here — right now — becoming millionaires, building businesses, negotiating salaries, refusing to work for less, and choosing themselves unapologetically, not because life was easy, but because they decided that their past, their pain, or their circumstances wouldn’t be the ceiling. Asking for more doesn’t make you ungrateful, and wanting more doesn’t mean you’re ignoring reality — it means you’re refusing to let struggle become your identity.

And that’s something we can learn.

You are allowed to want more and honour where you are

are you still comparing yourself to other women? pin image

This is the balance I’m learning:

You can honour your journey without romanticising your limitations.

You can acknowledge your struggles without letting them excuse inaction.

You can be compassionate with yourself and still challenge yourself to rise.

Growth doesn’t require you to hate who you are now.

It requires honesty, courage, and the willingness to stop hiding behind comparison or fear.

A Reminder for the Girl Reading This

If you’ve been feeling behind, insecure, overwhelmed, or quietly comparing yourself to other women, pause and take a breath. You’re not failing — you’re becoming. There is space for you and room for your softness, your ambition, your intelligence, your beauty, and your humour — all of it. You don’t need to compete to be worthy, you don’t need permission to ask for more, and you don’t need to shrink to belong. Remember, you’re not alone — we’re all still learning, and this journey of growth doesn’t have an endpoint. Be gentle with yourself, take it slowly, and enjoy the process. You are enough, and you can be more, do more, and ask for more. Your power lives in choosing alignment over comparison.

One of the biggest takeaways? Always remember: women are not your competition, and there is space for all of us to shine.

If you want to go deeper into inner work and how it can change your life, check out the first episode of this season, The Power of Inner Work and How It Changes Your Life — it’s full of tips and advice to start your growth journey.

For more about Sally Probett and the work she’s doing with her business, you can connect with her on LinkedIn or check out her website.

Don’t forget to listen to the accompanying episode at the top of this blog post, available on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Music, and other directories. Be sure to share it with friends and come back for the next episode — there’s so much more to explore together!