In this episode, me and my guest Alex ended up speaking about so many different things — from her childhood, moving countries, yoga, people pleasing, relationships, anxious attachment, healing, confidence, protecting your peace, and what it actually means to choose yourself instead of settling just because you’re scared to start again. We also spoke a lot about anxious attachment and how to stop losing yourself in relationships while still loving deeply.
We spoke about a lot of things girls actually struggle with behind closed doors — staying in relationships too long, feeling anxious when someone doesn’t reply, overthinking everything, struggling to speak up for yourself, and constantly trying to make people happy.
And I think one of the biggest things I took from this episode is that a lot of us confuse love with anxiety. We think love is supposed to feel hard, uncertain, stressful, or emotionally draining. But a healthy relationship is supposed to feel safe too.
Growing Up Between Different Worlds
At the start of the episode, Alex spoke growing up in a boarding school environment and how structured it felt. Everything followed strict schedules and routines, and because of that she values freedom and spontaneity so much more now as an adult.
Sometimes when you grow up in environments where you feel restricted emotionally, physically, or mentally, you end up craving freedom, creativity, and self-expression later on in life.
It also made a lot of sense later in the conversation when we started speaking about people pleasing and anxiety, because sometimes the way we learn to survive in certain environments follows us into adulthood without us even realising.
How Yoga Helped Her Heal & Connect Back to Herself
One of my favourite parts of the episode was hearing Alex speak about yoga because you could tell it became more than just exercise for her.
It became a way of reconnecting with herself.
And I think that’s something a lot of people are searching for without even realising it. Especially now when life feels so overstimulating all the time. Everybody’s constantly online, constantly consuming, constantly distracted, constantly rushing somewhere.
Sometimes you genuinely forget to sit with yourself.
What I liked is that Alex didn’t speak about yoga in that overly aesthetic influencer way either. It felt very grounded. More like learning how to slow down, breathe properly, regulate yourself emotionally, and reconnect with your body again instead of constantly living in survival mode.
And honestly, I think everybody needs something like that.
Not necessarily yoga specifically, but something that brings you back to yourself outside of work, pressure, social media, relationships, and everybody else’s expectations.
The Longer You Stay With the Wrong Person, the Longer You Delay the Right One
This really connects to how to stop losing yourself in relationships, especially when fear and attachment keep you stuck in something that no longer feels right.
One thing Alex said that really stuck with me was this:
“The longer you stay with the wrong person, the longer you delay meeting the right person.”
And when she said it, I was like… yeah. So many girls stay in relationships because they’re scared. Scared of starting over, or being alone or that they won’t find better. Scared they’ve “wasted too much time” to leave now.
Sometimes we know deep down a relationship isn’t right for us, but we stay because of comfort, history, fear, or potential. We convince ourselves that maybe they’ll change, maybe things will get better, maybe we’re asking for too much. But at some point you have to stop looking at who someone could be and look at who they consistently are.
This is exactly what how to stop losing yourself in relationships looks like. Learning to see things clearly instead of holding onto potential. I actually go deeper into this in another episode/blog post called “Signs You’re Settling in a Relationship: Relying on Potential Keeps You Stuck” — where I break down how easily potential can keep you stuck in the wrong situation and hold you back.
Alex spoke about leaving a six-year relationship even though it terrified her, because deep down she knew it wasn’t right anymore. And I think that takes a lot of courage because sometimes people stay simply because something feels familiar.
Even if it’s making them unhappy.
And I think a lot of girls need to hear that staying longer doesn’t automatically make something more right for you.
Healing Your Attachment Style in Relationships
One thing I really wanted to ask Alex about was this whole idea people say online that you need to be “fully healed” before getting into a relationship.
Because realistically… what does fully healed even mean?
And I really liked her answer because she basically explained that healing isn’t this final destination where suddenly all your issues disappear and you become this perfectly secure person. We’re all evolving. We’re all learning. Relationships can trigger insecurities you didn’t even realise were there, but they can also help heal parts of you too — depending on who you’re with.
And I think that’s true.
Alex explained it really well because she said the right relationship gives you space to safely work through things instead of constantly making your anxiety worse.
For example, if someone knows reassurance matters to you, they’re not going to intentionally leave you spiralling all day wondering where you stand with them. They’ll communicate. They’ll reassure you naturally because they care about your feelings. And I think that’s something people overlook. Peace should feel normal in relationships. Anxiety shouldn’t feel romantic.
But at the same time, there’s also accountability.
Because if your partner is communicating properly, reassuring you, showing up properly, and you’re still spiralling constantly, then eventually you have to look within yourself too. Your partner can support your healing, but they can’t do the healing for you.
Like yes, reassurance matters. Communication matters. Emotional safety matters. But accountability matters too.
And I think that’s where a lot of people get relationships wrong. It’s not “me versus you.” It’s both of you versus the problem.
The Right Person Makes You Feel Safe Instead of Guilty
Alex told a story that explained this perfectly.
She said she accidentally smashed a glass while she was out with her now-fiancé, and her immediate reaction was panic. She instantly felt guilty and thought she’d ruined the evening.
But instead of getting angry or making her feel bad, he just laughed, cleaned it up, reassured her, and carried on.
And I think moments like that reveal so much.
Because sometimes you don’t even realise how anxious you’ve become until someone reacts to you gently.
You start expecting criticism, anger, or tension because that’s what you’re used to.
A lot of people are used to feeling like every mistake is a massive issue. Like they have to over-apologise for everything. Like they’re constantly walking on eggshells trying not to upset someone.
And I think girls underestimate how much the right relationship can change your understanding of what love is supposed to feel like.
You shouldn’t feel scared to exist around the person you love.
You shouldn’t feel like every mistake is going to become a problem.
How to Stop People Pleasing & Start Being Yourself
Another huge part of this episode was people pleasing.
Alex described herself as a recovering people pleaser, and I related to so much of what she was saying because I think a lot of girls grow up trying to make themselves more “acceptable” to everyone around them.
You don’t say how you really feel.
You avoid conflict.
You overthink your personality.
You try to come across “correctly” all the time.
You worry about whether people like you.
And after a while you become so focused on pleasing other people that you stop asking yourself what you actually want.
This may be one of the reasons you struggle with how to stop losing yourself in relationships without even realising it.
One thing Alex said that stood out to me is that when you constantly adapt yourself around everyone else, it becomes harder for people to genuinely know you.
And I think that’s true.
Because if you’re always performing, people only connect with the version of you that’s performing.
Not the real you.
Not Everyone Is Going to Like You — And That’s Fine
This was another thing we spoke about that I think people know logically but still struggle with emotionally.
But the reality is, not everyone is going to like you.
And that’s normal.
Everybody has different personalities, different backgrounds, different preferences, different ways of viewing the world.Trying to mould yourself into somebody everybody likes is exhausting.
I think confidence comes from accepting that instead of constantly trying to manage people’s opinions of you.
Because when you’re always trying to seem more likeable, more agreeable, more acceptable, you end up disconnected from yourself.
The goal shouldn’t be making everyone like you.
The goal should be finding people who genuinely align with you.
Because those are the friendships and relationships that actually feel fulfilling.
Protecting Your Peace Doesn’t Always Mean Cutting Everyone Off
We also spoke about peace and how different it looks for different people.
And we spoke about peace in a realistic way instead of the internet version where everyone acts like “protecting your peace” means disappearing from humanity forever.
For me personally, peace means protecting my energy. I don’t like unnecessary drama, weird energy, constant conflict, or environments that make me feel emotionally scattered.
Alex described peace more as balance.
Balance between giving and resting.
Balance between ambition and slowing down.
Balance between socialising and recharging.
And I liked that because I think social media sometimes makes “protecting your peace” look like disappearing from everyone and cutting everybody off. But sometimes peace is just learning what genuinely nourishes you instead of constantly pouring into things that leave you drained.
Some people feel peaceful travelling.
Some people feel peaceful staying home.
Some people feel peaceful building their career.
Some people feel peaceful doing absolutely nothing for a day.
Protecting your peace can look different for everyone.
You’re Allowed to Change Your Life
One thing Alex said near the end of the episode that I really liked was:
“You’re not a tree. You can move.”
And I know that sounds simple, but it’s true.
You’re allowed to outgrow people.
You’re allowed to change direction.
You’re allowed to start over.
You’re allowed to discover new versions of yourself.
I think a lot of people stay attached to old versions of themselves because they feel like they’ve already invested so much time into a certain path, relationship, friendship, or lifestyle.
But life doesn’t work like that.
You can wake up one day and decide you want different things.
And I think people forget that sometimes.
How to Be Confident in Yourself Without Seeking Validation
I think this whole conversation really came back to one thing in the end: self-worth.
Because when you don’t truly feel secure within yourself, you start seeking validation from relationships, friendships, attention, reassurance, and other people’s opinions.
But confidence is really about trusting yourself.
And I think that’s what I want girls to take from this episode the most.
You do not need to beg, chase or shrink yourself just to keep people comfortable.
The right people won’t make you abandon yourself just to feel loved.
Next Steps
In the episode Alex also referenced ideas from the book Kaizen by Sarah Harvey, which explores how small, consistent changes shape long-term habits, and some of Dr Tara Swart’s work around neuroscience and emotional patterns, which really connects to how we understand healing, attachment, and behaviour in relationships.
If this episode resonates with you and you feel like you’re in a season where you’re working on self-worth, boundaries, and learning how to stop losing yourself in relationships, my Standing on Business: Wake-Up Call is a deeper reset for exactly that. It’s for the girls who are tired of second-guessing themselves, people-pleasing, and shrinking themselves just to be accepted, and want to start actually standing firm in who they are.
If you haven’t listened to the full episode yet, I’ve linked it above because we went so much deeper into anxious attachment, healing, people pleasing, relationships, confidence, and learning how to stop losing yourself in other people. It’s available on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, and anywhere you listen.
Remember Be Kind to yourself and Know that you are worthy.
Previous blog post/episode here: Self-Worth and Identity as A Young Woman
