In this episode, I’m sharing my journey with friendships and the lessons that completely changed how I experience them.
For years, I struggled with friendships. I constantly felt like I was giving more than I was receiving, walked on eggshells, and believed every disagreement meant the friendship was over.
It wasn’t until I stopped chasing friendships, started doing the inner work, and experienced genuine sisterhood that my understanding of friendship completely changed.
This episode is for anyone who has ever struggled to make friends, questioned their current friendships, or wants to build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
In this episode, we talk about:
✨ Why I struggled with friendships for so many years
✨ The two things that completely changed my friendships forever
✨ Why healing yourself helps you become a better friend
✨ Friendship wounds and the inner work I’m still doing today
✨ How I choose the people I let into my life
✨ What being “strict” with friendships actually means
✨ Why not every friend has to be a close friend
Chapters
00:00 – Intro: Friendships
00:43 – Why I struggled with friendships for years
06:24 – Why so many of us struggle with friendships
12:47 – The two things that completely changed my friendships
22:22 – The friendship wounds I’m still healing
28:46 – How I decide who gets close to me
36:08 – What being “strict” with friendships actually means
46:38 – Reflection Time 📓
Resources Mentioned
🤍 Episodes Mentioned
How to Make Friends as an Adult (with Marisa)
Building Meaningful Friendships (with Miss Probett)
The Core Conditions: Empathy, Congruence & Unconditional Positive Regard
🤍 Creators Mentioned
✨ Alexis (Onion friendship analogy)
Journal Prompts 🤍
If this episode resonated with you, take some time to reflect:
✨ How do I currently show up as a friend, and am I the kind of friend my ideal friend would want?
✨ What friendship wound might I still be carrying that’s affecting how I show up today?
✨Where am I expecting other people to meet needs that I haven’t learnt to meet within myself yet?
✨What do I find myself getting frustrated with in other people… and do I ever do those same things myself?
✨ What qualities do I value most in friendship, and do I embody those qualities myself?
✨ Who in my life brings out the best version of me, and who brings out a version of me I no longer want to be?
Thank you so much for listening 🤍
If this episode resonated with you, I’d love to hear what you took away from it. As always, thank you for being here, and I’ll see you in the next episode.
Transcript:
To All The Girls (00:00)
Hey beautiful, welcome back to another episode of To All the Girls Out There. As always, it is a blessing to have you girls here with me today.
We’re gonna be talking about friendships and my experiences with friendships and how it has become so healing for me and I’ve learnt so much about myself and others in friendships. I know it’s something that a lot of girls struggle with sometimes and
I just want any girl out there who is struggling with friendships or wants to make new friends or just feels like their friend isn’t as fulfilling to be able to take away something from this and
learn about themselves essentially.
I was just doing a lot of reflection on my experience with friendships and people around me and how much I’ve learned and overcome over the past couple of years. I’m someone who I know it sounds cliche but people say it all the time, but I am someone who just used to always have such a big heart and I struggled with friendships because I always gave and I wanted to do a lot but I would never receive the same on the other side.
And I would always end up disappointed in friendships and it was something that used to happen all the time. I would come back and I would cry because a friend has done this to me or has done something to me and my mum would always have to sit there and advise me and kind of like console me. And I think that’s why she always became very overprotective with me and my friends because although not everybody saw it, I would come home and get really upset about the things that they would do.
I wouldn’t say I was fully lonely when I was at school. I definitely have friends and I had people that I was around and they were good friends for what I knew at the time. But now with the friends I have now it wasn’t like the deep sisterhood that I have now where it’s like I cry because I’m so grateful for because I don’t know what’s going on with my voice. but yeah, I remember over the course of my time with friendships I had
friends that you know in secondary school sometimes people fall out all the time. And so sorry. And so yeah, I just had this conditioning of like anytime something was wrong, I would feel I would always get scared and I would always be on my toes because I just felt like I could always be doing something wrong in friendships and anytime I did something wrong that meant that it was about to go into a
a phase where we wouldn’t speak or we would have quote unquote beef or whatever for those two weeks or so and that was kind of like the cycle of the friendships that I would have and it was like I just always felt like I had to be on my toes and that went in moving forward
yeah, I remember when I was first in like the beginning of secondary school, I used to think I was in this like messed up mindset of just thinking, my gosh, everybody is so wet. I don’t get along with anyone, everyone is so negative and I was in that mindset for a very long time. It wasn’t until maybe like year eight, I like, you know what, crap, cool, maybe I don’t like the people but you know what? I’m gonna actually get up and I am going to be that friend that I wanna have. I’m going to be that positive person.
So I just decided that you know what, I gonna do the things that I need to do to show up as this version of myself or show up as this friend that I wanted. And so I just started being more positive essentially and I just started spreading that energy out there and stopped trying to care about finding friends and tried to just enjoy my time at school. And
I remember after I left secondary school going into sixth form, I could have not given a flying fudge cream about friends. Honestly, I had no intentions of like making new friends. It wasn’t that I was closed off to it, but I just had no intention whatsoever. And funnily enough, that’s when I made that’s when I made my close sisterhood friends that taught me so much about friendships. so much. I just made
these friends that healed me, taught me what it meant to like actually be there for one another, to go out of your way to actually care about someone else. It wasn’t just friendships that we chill with each other during break time and only speak about the things that are going on in our life. It was a real sisterhood of, hey, I consider you
when you’re not around, I’m thinking about you and I’m here for you through and through and for that I am so grateful. And yeah, it was just the big thing of when I stopped caring is when I found it. And I know people are so tired of hearing that. But there is a plethora of things that went into developing friendships. And for anyone out there who’s just thinking it’s so hard. I can’t find friends. I don’t have friends or I don’t have those fulfilling friendships.
I know I’ve been there. I’ve gone a very long time of just constantly being disappointed, changing friendship groups, crying, feeling like I’m giving and not getting back. I’ve gone through it all and I just got to a point where I almost thought friendships weren’t for me. I was like, this is not for me. It’s fine, I accept it. I’m probably just not gonna have someone who’s got close friends. I literally did get to that point and that’s why like in sixth form
when I had that new beginning, I was like, I just care about my A levels and getting my A levels. I don’t care about friends. It wasn’t that I was closed off to friends. I just didn’t care and those lessons that I had learnt that taught me to then be independent, that taught me to then be okay with not having friends allowed for so much growth now in friendships and I’m able to
let go of certain things, but there’s still so much healing that I have yet to do.
And yeah, I just want you guys to know that you’re not alone and it is possible for you too
I think a lot of people struggle with friendships because
Sometimes we are so easy to look at others. We blame others for not being a good friend or you know, like I said, for example, for me I always felt like I was giving and not getting. I’m always giving and no one’s putting in the same energy and no one’s doing this or everyone just has this mindset and whatnot and we’re always looking at the external and playing the blame game. But have we ever actually sat down to look at ourselves?
That friend that I want, that person that I want to have in my life, would they actually want to be friends with me? Am I the kind of friend that they would want to have around? It’s a similar thinking that people say when it comes to relationships and it’s not me blaming you for not for not being a good friend or whatever, but it’s just to say that’s the thing you have control over. And sometimes we’re so quick to look at the external that we don’t sit there to look at ourselves.
So for example, at that time when I was always like, everyone is so negative or so this and so that what about me internally? What changes was I making? Was I as positive?
as the person that I wanted to be around, that friend that I wanted to have. Am I the kind of friend that they would want to have? Do I complain a lot? if I want someone that goes out, do I like going out? What are the things that I’m doing and the way that I’m showing up? Am I showing up as a good friend too? That’s another thing. Cause of course it’s like would you want them to be would you want to be the person that they want to be around? But sometimes you don’t know
Like it’s so hard to sit down and think maybe I am a crap friend. But maybe you are, or maybe you’re not even a crap friend, but you have your shortcomings and you don’t acknowledge that. Look at yourself internally, how can I improve? And making sure every day that you are taking the steps to become a better person and that ideal friend will meet you at where you are.
But a lot of the time we are always playing the blame game, always blaming society, the people around us. And we’re not actually sitting there to look at ourselves and working on ourselves because that’s the main thing that we can work on. Working on being the best version of ourselves that is going to attract that ideal friend that we want. Making sure that we are the best friend that we can be to others as well. Making sure that every time you’re acknowledging your blind spots.
So that you can show up as a better friend to other people. And of course there’s also the obvious things like where are you putting yourselves? I’ve had episodes with other guests, for example. I think there’s an episode with Marisa and an episode with Miss Probett where they mention putting yourselves in positions where you’re going to meet those friends.
For example, if you are someone who likes sports, join a sports club, you like reading, join a book club, ice skating, go ice skating, you know, putting yourself in places where you can meet people and like minded people who have the same mindset as you, or have the same interests, then you have things to connect. Again, me, because I sit at home. I’m not gonna lie, I’m a homebody, so where am I expecting to meet new people? Things are gonna happen the way it.
They are supposed to, and who knows, you could actually just step out one day and meet new friends, but again, making sure that you are making the effort on your side and surrendering. And I do believe that every relationship is gonna come to you at a specific time allocated in your story. My friends came to me at six form when I didn’t care, after I went through so much hurt with friends.
And now I’m able to appreciate it. Now I was able to learn from them and learn from my friendships because of how much I had gone through from before and I was able to let go of the friendships that didn’t align with me, which would have been so much more harder had I had not gone through so many friendships before. I was used to that. I was used to the constant turmoil, turnover of friends and things not working out that
now it’s like I’m okay with being alone and I have got these new friends who have taught me so much but I also know that I’ll be okay with being alone and so at moments where I have had to let go of friends because I have had to, even though Alhamdulillah every single friendship since has been amazing, there’s still been friendships that I’ve had to let go of. And I’ve been able to do that with love and grace because of
the things that I have done and during this season of life the people that I have met, the timing of Allah, the timing of God has been insane. The moment that they come in life is the moment that I’m learning something. And that specific thing that I’m learning, Allah has put them in my life during that time. And so it’s so important to surrender and understand that these people are going to come in your life at the time when they’re supposed to and they’re going to teach you at the time
But if you are facing loneliness or or struggling with your friendships and whatnot,
This is being curated for you and this is a moment in time to learn something about yourself because when the friendships do come, there’s gonna be another lesson, another story, another set of inner work that you have to deal with. But there’s inner work that you can do now in this phase. And so when you do make the effort, when you do work on yourself, when you do what’s the word?
you know, sh try to show up as the best friend that you can. It’s also important to then surrender to look at this as an opportunity for growth forever and always until that desire comes to you.
When I look back, I think that there were two things that completely changed how I experienced friendships. One being
my friends that healed my idea of friendships and number two being that I me understanding myself. So by number one I mean my friends taught me so much about friendship and being a good friend. Like I said, before in secondary school, when I had friends, the friendships weren’t as deep. It was
people that you have to talk about the things that are going on and people that you chill with at break and sometimes helping each other during down times and whatnot. But the friendships that I had made in sixth form were a lot deeper in terms of the small mundane things like w if we had an exam or
For like yeah, if we had an example we were doing the same subject. If I went to the printer to print a past paper for myself, I’m printing it for all of us. My that was my friend’s way of thinking. And that could be so small, but that healed something in me because it was like it just that wasn’t what happened in my friendships in secondary school. You weren’t always thinking of each other. Everyone was so loving and giving and you’d give
if you had food you were sharing that and you were always thinking of each other and always putting each other down for opportunities. If my friend was at a workshop and they know that this is something that Fatima was interested, they’ll mention me or mention my name and let me know that hey, I put you down for these things and for some people it’s like, wow, yeah, this is regular but for me it was so deep because it was like this isn’t what my friendships were like before. These people didn’t do those extra
things or where they were thinking about you when you weren’t there and it was having those moments of people being there for you and then understanding as well. for my friends it was like it was a safe space to vent and be upset without having that judgment held to you moving forward. A lot of the times friends people when it comes to you being down
or you being a hindrance, it’s always a problem. I know it can be really difficult when you’re always leaning on someone during a downtime, you know, especially when you don’t want to be upset all the time. But during down times, my friends never ever ever made me feel like I was being a burden to them or I was doing too much and I felt safe enough to be able to to say those things without it coming on the other side of, Fatima done this or Fatima
you know, she’s just so irritating and going to other people. And again, that was so healing because for me I just felt like there was always problems in secondary school. You always had to fear that you couldn’t be too trusting because someone was always gonna go and say something. Someone was always gonna twist your words. Even then, like I can go and rant to my friends about someone and they understand where I’m coming from. They know what my intentions are. They don’t try to stir it into something bigger than it is.
My friend can come to me and say she’s so agitated at this person and I know what her intention is. I know I’m not gonna make it bigger than it is because I know that she’s not trying to cra she’s not trying to crap. She’s just agitated. And there was so much that in school everything had to be drama and I always felt like I had to walk on eggshells because I was never safe. Anything could turn into beef, anything could be a problem. Now I can have a disagreement with my friend and it’s just a disagreement.
We work through it, you know? And these are things that like I said is is healing me. Like I have to actually I had to learn that wait, it’s actually safe to speak to my friends. It’s actually safe to be vulnerable with my friends.
And I can go out for someone else and not think, Are they going out for me? Because I know that we show up for each other when we need to and if they’re not showing up for me, then there’s some some things going on. Do you know what I mean? But our friendships are is a healing and we care about each other and it’s not just about drama and it’s not just about having someone to go out with. You know, it’s knowing that they’re there for me r regardless. And it’s not that when
We go out and I might be struggling for money. It’s not, my gosh, like she’s so irritating. I don’t understand why she can’t just there’s empathy there, there’s understanding for each other, and that healed me. And having those new friendships healed my understanding of what friendships is and it taught me that hey, not everything is beef, not everything is walking on eggshells, it is safe to share, it is safe to be vulnerable, it is safe to go above and beyond for someone.
without getting hurt for it.
And the second one, understanding myself, was a big thing because
It’s like I was saying before about people not knowing themselves and not looking at themselves and not knowing whether they’re a good friend or not, which can
affect your friendships and I think me understanding myself has changed it immensely especially when starting my counselling course. One thing about me is when I was in school, I remember I used to think I had all the answers. I thought I knew it all. I think and I still think that I’m really good at giving advice. But at the same time that doesn’t mean I know it all and
I’m not trying to control my friends and their decisions. And I think that was a a shortcoming of mine. I used to always try to kind of like control, like you must do this, like you’re silly if you don’t. and I would listen to kind of respond to give them advice and not understanding that that was a shortcoming of mine. If I didn’t have the self awareness to surrender to the fact that, hey
You don’t always have it right. And sometimes your friends are not always gonna listen to you and that it’s okay. It’s your job as a friend to still be there for them. If I wasn’t able to do that inner work to understand myself, I wouldn’t be able to show up as a good friend and learn and even allow my friends to heal me and do th and have that understanding because I would always think that I was right and those healing experiences
would have never come through because I wasn’t able to surrender to the fact that
maybe I do need to make a change here. And when I understood that I was able to show up with a lot more empathy with this counselling course that I did, learning about empathy, learning about not always giving advice, hearing the other person and allowing them to show you and think from their mind and their frame of reference helped me so much in becoming a better friend because
It was like I’m not always trying to impose my way of life on you. Right now, you come to me because you trust me, so we’re gonna work together. I’m not here to give you the answers. I’m here to work with you. And again, I’m not nobody’s therapist. I’m still your friend, so I’m gonna acknowledge that I’m your friend. And of course I’m gonna come from a place of emotion, but I wanna help you in the way that you want to be helped.
and doing what’s best for you, you know. And
I just felt like that was something that the course allowed me to do. It allowed me to see that side of me that was always trying to give advice and always trying to say, Here’s the steps, do this and it just allowed me to be someone who took a step back and saw my friends for them and have empathy in the moment and understand them, even though it might not be something that I would have done. I was able to look and say, Hey Fatima, in this moment I know you want to give advice, but is that what she needs right now?
Or let’s try to understand her before we even go anywhere else. I would hold my tongue and make sure that I am being an understanding person and I am being a curious person instead of being that friend that’s always jumping to advice and being right. Even though more time I am right, that’s not what they need all the time. And so being able to kind of like just take a step back and think.
let’s work together. Let me try to understand them right now in this moment so that we can work together as a friend. So that I can acknowledge someone and still show up about still show up as myself. And like I think there was a time when I was saying in I don’t know what it’s called, there was an episode about me talking about unconditional positive regard and congruence and empathy
So I’m not gonna go into it too much there, but yeah, that was life changing and journaling and constantly learning things about myself. So for example, like sometimes I feel like I speak too much in my friendships and sometimes I might not listen and I might just jump straight to the answer or jump straight to saying my thing rather than giving them space to talk. And sometimes I
I’ve even feel like I’ve reached a point where I feel like I talk too much, that I don’t talk enough. And it’s just in my head and friendships are supposed to be a safe space for you to talk. But now I think I’ve taken on the role of always just wanting to listen and trying not to talk, that I just don’t talk and
learning those things about myself. Again, like that’s even more inner work that I’m doing now, which I’m gonna get into more later. But there’s so many different things. For example, even me, one thing I learnt through my friendships was the fact that I struggle with conflict a lot. And like I said, when I was in school, a lot of my friendships there was constant conflict. Like you did something wrong. I had a friend who we wouldn’t even speak like about any conflicts.
she would be annoyed at me, she would act weird, and then I would notice that she was being weird. So we would just stop talking for like, I don’t know, two weeks. And then the next thing, you know, we would speak again. And it was like my conditioning was just like every time things have to be things are gonna be, you know, conflict or every time you’ve done something wrong and I was just always felt like I have to be careful and I
her to learn that not all conflict is bad, not all disagreeing, it’s it can be safe. And I had friendships where, you know, I my friend would do something that annoyed me. This is a recent friendship. I love her so much. And there was a time where she did something that annoyed me and I knew I had to speak to her about it. But I procrastinated it for so long and it just got to a point where I just didn’t speak to her for a little bit because I couldn’t bring myself to have the conversation.
That was because of my fear of conflict from before, from my previous friendships, and I had to learn to that it’s okay for me to share this. It doesn’t have to result in an argument. My intention isn’t for it to be a whole, you know, argument or whatnot. It’s just for us for me to share this so that we can heal so that we can both show up as a better friend in this friendship. Eventually I managed to get to the point where I could speak about it, right? But
If I had not realized that, hey, like Fatima, you have this fear of conflict, I wouldn’t have been able to show up as a friend and I wouldn’t have been able to get up and actually notice that, hey, let me actually just address this rather than letting things go by. I wouldn’t have had this healing friendship and me being able to have that conversation and then realise, my gosh, it isn’t conflict, it isn’t like a bad thing has healed me now in knowing that, hey
I can have a disagreement with my friends, I can be upset with them or things can happen, but it doesn’t mean that it needs to result in a fallout. And now I know that that doesn’t mean I’m gonna actively try go out of my way to always have conflict or no. It just means when these things do arise, it is safe enough to have a conversation, you know? And that is in a work that I had to deal with and things that I still have to deal with and teaching myself that, you know,
I can communicate and it doesn’t always have to be an argument and it isn’t always a bad thing. And even that thing that I was saying of like feeling like I talk too much and learning that, you know, maybe I’ve swung to the other side of the pendulum. I feel like I speak too much, but actually maybe now I’m not speaking enough. Maybe now I’m holding back from valuable insights that my friend could have because I feel like I’m not saying
because I feel like I’m saying too much and it’s about navigating that balance. And even for me personally, I am someone who I don’t really like to speak about the things that I’m doing before I do them. I kinda like to just let things speak for themselves. So part of that means not telling my friends a lot of my goals, a lot of the things that I’m getting up and working towards every day. And it’s not because my friends are crap, but it’s because of me and
But sometimes I feel like it is a hindrance to my friendships because when I do go out with my friends and when I am speaking to my friends, I feel like there’s so much I’m holding back and my conversations I don’t really get to speak about the things that are on my mind because I’ve not told them about the things that I’m doing and the things that I’m working towards, which I know that I would have benefited way more from by saying like, Hey, you know, I’m working towards this every day and it just
it’s just really hard for me and every day I’m just overthinking all the time. I don’t get to have these conversations with my friends because it’s like I’ve not told them about it and it’s me trying to work out that balance recently of like, do I wanna speak to my friends about the things that I’m doing? Because I feel like that way I’d get so much more out of our friendships out of the friendship. Because right now I don’t feel like I am experiencing or getting as much out of my friendship.
But that’s not because of them, that’s because of me. That’s because I’ve decided not to share. But then it’s like I don’t wanna share the things. I don’t like to talk. I just want my results to speak for themselves. But that’s what your friends are there for, right? So yeah, that that is the inner work that I’m doing right now. And that’s to say like it’s an ongoing journey. I’m not perfect, but Alhamdulillah for where I’ve got and yeah, those are the things that I’m working on now.
So now with friendships, because my friends have taught me so much and because of the course that I’ve gone through with and the turmoil that I’ve gone through with friendships, I am a lot better, alhamdulillah, with picking out people in my life, friendships in my life. And how I choose my friends now is I allow people to show me who they are.
I allow them to show up as themselves and I make my judgment from there.
not everyone will be perfect, not everyone will have it all. But when you allow people to show themselves, when you allow them to show who they are,
Then it’s from there that you can make your judgments and you can work it out. And that’s why it’s also so important to understand yourself and understand how you work too, because that makes it easier to decide whether you and this person will work together as a friendship and are compatible. And you have to think about you and you as a friend and how you show up as a friend and will you complement each other?
So for example, I know that I am an empathetic friend. I know that I’m an understanding friend and someone who likes to go all out for people. And my I treat my friends like genuine sisterhood and friendships. Like if you are down, I got you. Until you get back up. Like that is me. And so for someone else who doesn’t think like that, for someone who might be a bit more who might have more of an individualistic kind of mindset who is like every person for themselves.
If you’re down, why should I have to help you? I’ve worked hard for my money or I’ve worked hard to do this. We might not align. That’s not me saying that you are a bad person, but I know that for me, I am that kind of person. I’m that’s how I go out for my friends. So if you then did that to me, I’m gonna be upset because I know that I’m a person who does that for my friendships and I’m not gonna feel that I’m being loved in the way that I want to be. So making sure that you understand you as a friend and how you turn up for people and how you show up for people.
Because if someone else isn’t aligning with you as a friend and you as a person, that doesn’t mean that they’re a crap person. It just means that them being a close friend to you is probably not gonna work. And I think that’s probably why I struggled with a lot of my friendships before, because it was like our how we showed up for friends was different. And some people just want a good time friend. Some people don’t want to take responsibility or care.
For their friends, they just want someone that’s there, someone to go out with, someone to talk to, but it’s not like I got you type thing. And again, I’m not saying you’re a crap person for that. I’m just saying I can’t be close with someone like that because that’s not me as a friend, right? And so understanding how do they show up, how do they think, and when you understand yourselves and you allow them to show you them, now it’s time for you to think
Okay, how are we gonna work together? Is this someone that I think I can be a good friend with? And you might get along with them in another area, but you have to look at their strong values and how they turn up. There’s some people that I get along with but their fundamental values and the way that they think and how they operate, I’m like, this is not gonna work for me. I know it. I already know it. So I’m cool with you. I can have fun with you and whatever, but
I don’t see you as a close friend. You’re not someone that I’m gonna go to and you’re not someone that I’m gonna a hundred percent like go all out for like a sister, like a close, close friend of mine, because I’m gonna get hurt doing it. I already know that. And
that’s what you and I feel like taking those precautions is what’s gonna help you and w moving forward in your friendships. And that’s not to say that you can’t make that judgment and then the people that you have believed that you were aligned with aren’t gonna go and then do the say go and then I don’t know backstab or hurt you. It is possible that that’s gonna happen. But at least you’ve made that judgment. You know that you’ve done what you can after that then
It was a lesson that needed to be learnt, that’s all. But making sure that you take the steps to understand someone else and understand yourself, ding ding ding. Are we compatible? Will we work as a friendship? Think about how you feel when you’re around that person. Do you feel good? Do you feel better as a person? I had friendships where, for example, like I would be around people and I’m like, Okay, there was once upon a time where you were a kind of person that I wanted to have around.
But then when I’m around this person, they bring out a side of me or around these set of people, they’ll bring out a side of me that I don’t want to be brought out. They might bring out a mean version of me or a version of me that complains all the time. And it’s like, hmm, I might enjoy your company, but I don’t like how I feel around you. I don’t like how I show up around you. And pay attention to that. If they’re bringing out a side of you that you don’t like, again, they’re not someone that you want to be close to. They’re not someone that you want in your immediate circle because they will leave a stain on you.
They will leave a stench on you, believe it or not. And your company says a lot. Being very I don’t wanna say strict, but strict essentially about your friends and the people that you allow in your life
will absolutely change your life because it has absolutely changed mine and being able to say, Hey, this is what I want from a friendship. This is what I know I require and I know what I give within a friendship has changed my life because it protects your peace and it protects your energy and it gives you energy to put into things that really matter. Not always stressing about, drama, nonsense, this happening, that happening, you know? And
Once I was clear with what I wanted and what I didn’t want, God was clear with anyone that entered my life. I made the tiniest, smallest effort. I promise you, I kid you not, after I got strict with the people in my life, anyone who came into my life and stressed me out, if I didn’t deal with them, God dealed with them. No one gets longer than about three months.
let’s say three months max and three months might seem like a long time but sometimes you don’t even see it. You get three months max of stressing me out. After that, God will remove you. Because I know that I do what I can to make the decision to make sure that I don’t have people who stress me out. Sometimes I’m not gonna see it. I can’t see everything. But I trust that God will remove the people in my life that need to be removed when they will. And trust me, he has done it for me multiple times.
And that’s not even to say that people are bad or they’re evil. It just means that this person has been draining my energy or they’re not going to take me to where I need to go moving forward. And unfortunately they had to go. But it’s fortunate in the end because they were taking my energy in a way that sometimes you don’t even realise until when you’re looking back in hindsight, like, my gosh, now that I have so much of this energy, I didn’t realise that at this time this person or these type of people weren’t actually serving me.
And the thing is is I feel like a lot of people do underestimate or a lot of people kind of get confused when we talk about being strict. People think it’s no BS, no mistakes, cut anyone off at the first fault. you know, only be friends with people who are ambitious and you know, you see a lot of this content online and
and all these expectations and yes I do understand but people also need to remember that humans are humans. No one’s gonna get it right all the time. People are at fault. I’m at fault sometimes, you’re at fault sometimes, you’re not perfect. People will get it wrong. It’s not about not leaving room for growth. It’s not about cutting everyone and expecting perfection. You trust your discernment and you make a decision based on what you know about yourself and based on what
the other person has shown you. It’s not about, hey
You know, you’ve crossed this boundary once, my gosh, you’re gone, you’re out of the door. Like people are gonna make mistakes, and it’s really important to leave room for that. It’s just about also understanding yourself and understanding what works for you. There are gonna be things that it’s like, you know what, this annoyed me, but we can work through it, and especially if you’ve gone through so much as a friendship.
if you wanna work through it, you can sit there and you can try to work through it. Not everything can be worked through, I am aware of that, but when people do make mistakes, it’s important for you to sit down and understand can I actually deal with this mistake and can we can we work through it? Can we speak it out? Or is this something that’s generally not gonna work for me? And
Just being strong in knowing what works for you. Don’t go into a friendship for the sake of having a friendship, for the sake of having friends. Understand you. What things hurt you when you’re in a friendship, what things make you feel loved when you’re in a friendship. And so when you’re sitting in one, you’re not just sitting in one for the sake of it. You are
protecting your energy and it’s only about being specific in terms of you, not in terms of trying to look like you’re strict, trying to look like you must be a perfect person to be in my life because no one is perfect and you will miss out on beautiful and healing friendships that way just by trying to be so closed off to people by thinking, you know, well you operate here and you do this with this person and
Now that means I don’t want to be with you. Remember some people might chill with crap people and you meet them and they’re complete different person and like you see another side of them and they help you in a different way and it’s important that you that’s what I’m saying about you understanding yourself and not just trying to close someone off at the fact that I’m strict, I don’t chill around people who don’t make ten thousand pounds a month. Like
Yes, I understand you do want to surround yourself with good people, but people can benefit you in different ways and it’s not just about ambition. I have all of my friends are ambitious. I would say I have some friends that are more ambitious than others, but a lot of the time I will sit here and think, I can only speak speak to people who are driven, who are that and yes, that is important, but there’s so many friends that I have that teach me different things and are healing me in different ways. That’s not only about
A specific part or about success or about something. There’s different things that you can learn from people, and so opening your mind and being understanding of yourself and the inner work that you’re doing to understand that this person what could they actually be teaching me? Not just about success or waking up at 5 a.m. in the morning or being productive. There’s other things that other people can teach you. And I have friendships in my life where
People are are offering me so many different things and I’m so grateful for it. But
I understand why people say that, but you will miss out on a lot of friendships because people have so many different things to offer and it’s not just about what they’ve achieved. And so make sure you open your mind to different things that they could be teaching you, whether it’s people’s sense of humour, whether it’s their ability to just s sometimes we need people who just wing it. You might be a type A person, but you can learn from a type B person and they can learn from you vice versa. Sometimes you need that balance.
you know, someone who might be a bit more outgoing if you’re shy, someone who might be shy if you’re a bit more outgoing, they there’s different things that you can learn from people and you can take from people, and that helps you to show up as a better person yourself because you’re learning from them. But if you’re so closed off, you will never be able to reap from those opportunities because you’re so busy on this is not gonna work for me, this is not gonna work for me, this isn’t.
I know I say that you must like you must what’s the word be strict and understand your you know your foundations and your values of course those are core foundations and values that you need that you need to understand yeah this might not work for me but at the same time be curious allow people to show you who they are allow yourself to learn from people
and make your decision from there. You might think, I’m learning from this person but at the same time I don’t like this trait. So I’m gonna have to keep them a bit distant and that’s fine. And that’s me going to say that understanding friendships is you have different people for different things. People always are so quick to say, Cut this person off, cut this person off and I think everyone has their own authentic flair. Everyone has their superpower, right? And you’re gonna have friends that
are better at some things than about others. You might have a friend that’s there for you when you need them. You call them, you know that they’re there. But they might be someone that runs their mouth every two seconds. I’m not excusing that behaviour. I don’t like that. I really don’t. I don’t like people like anyway. But my point is is that you know when you need them. You know what they’re a good friend for. So you might have friends that you have
for good time friends and those are friends that you have for going out but they’re not necessarily friends that you’ll go to when you’re feeling down and you know upset about something or you have friends that you might share a certain interest in something else but you don’t share an interest in another thing. So for example you might have friends that’s a different religion to you. When you’re going for example I’m Muslim so if I’m going to the mosque and stuff I’m not gonna go with my Jewish friend to the mosque because it’s like we’re not gonna share that
that common ground in that area. So you knowing that you have different people for different things helps you so much better when you understand people and you understand their strengths because you don’t have certain expectations of them. If I know someone is going to run their mouth, I’m just not going to speak to them about certain things. Because I know that that’s how you operate and I won’t be disappointed if you do go and run your mouth because it’s like I know that that’s you.
And I’m gonna adapt my way to you. But that being said, for the people that I have to filter out a lot, I like to keep them on an outer layer of my friendship. And I think think of your friendships. I don’t know if it was an episode of Alexis episode, like a video of Alexis. I’ll put her @ in the description, but she uses an onion analogy, I think, and it’s like
Think of the core of the onion, the middle of the onion as your close knit friendship group and you get to place people and different layers of the onion, right? So there’s some friends that might be close, they might be on the on just outside the core of the onion. So they’re close to you but they’re still not extremely close, they’re not your sisters. Or you might have people who are like acquaintances who are completely on the outside of the onion, that outer layer
Where it’s like, Yeah, we’re cool, I might speak to you every now and again, I might say hi and bye when I see you on the street, but I know where you lie in my life. And having that and understanding where people sit in your life as well will help you because you don’t have high expectation. If I know that that is where you sit in my life, why would I why would I be upset at the fact that, you know, you weren’t there for me when I was going through that downtime? Because that wasn’t my expectation expectation of you in the first place. Because
This is where you sit in my onion, you know? And understanding that people have different places in your life. Not everyone needs to be a super duper close friend and that’s fine. And so what I’m saying is is when you have these friends where it’s like I have a friend for this, I have a friend for this, I have a friend for that, usually the friends that are a lot more filtered down are on a outs on a further outside layer of my of my onion. Whereas you would find that the core
Those that are in the core of my onion around me and are a lot closer to me are usually aren’t as filtered down. They’re friends that I can use as a all round thing, like around across all areas. Of course, again, everyone has their strengths and everyone has their weaknesses and there will still be certain friends that I prefer to go to for certain things than others. Yes. But at the same time, they’re usually all rounder friends that I can do a lot with. And the ones that are more filtered down are usually on a
a more outside level.
Not everyone needs access to ev every part of you and understanding people and understanding their traits, understanding yourself, is gonna help you a lot better in friendships rather than having the utmost, highest expectations of everyone around you because not everyone around you has the same relationship with you as to others, you know?
So I just prompt you guys to reflect on that and to just think about your friendships and think about, you know, where you’re showing up as a friend and the things that you can change and the things that you can do and learn about yourself to show up as a better person, to show up as a better friend, you know? And a couple of questions that I have here.
So I’m gonna put two I’m gonna give you guys two in this episode and then head to the show notes. for this episode and then the four all four questions will show up there if you wanna do all four. so the first question I urge you to reflect on whether you want to journal, write it down, say it out loud, record it, is how do I currently show up as a friend and am I the kind of friend my ideal friend would want?
sit down with that. It’s not an easy thing to admit. No one’s really sitting down here thinking like maybe not. I think I’m an elite friend. I think I’m a sick friend. But there’s always improvement. There’s always ways that I could show up better. But sit there and and reflect on that. And then the second one is what
Friendship wound might I still be carrying that’s affecting how I show up today?
There might be things that have happened in your previous friendships that is affecting how you show up right now and you don’t know it because it’s lived with you for so long. It’s happened to me with my fear of conflict that I’m still learning to battle now. And until you realise it, you can’t really change it. So please sit with it and have a think.
But my life and my experience changed when I learnt a lot about myself and I surrendered to the outcome. I decided to work on myself and I let go of what was gonna happen in terms of friendships and as a result I ended up having the most amazing friendships and I learnt more about friendships and I learnt about myself and it’s just a cycle, you know.
Your friends teach you about yourself, you learn about yourself, you become a better friend, then your friends become a better friends, then they teach you about yourself and it keeps going and it keeps repeating and I’m so grateful for it. And the thing I wanna point out is my desire for friendships doesn’t didn’t go away. It wasn’t that I woke up and I decided, Hey, I don’t want friends. I still wanted friends. It just wasn’t a fat
priority of mine and it wasn’t an outcome I was trying to force. I decided to work on myself and work on becoming the best friend that I could have. And it allowed me to even become more you see when I say like talking about becoming strict with your friendships and being picky with your friends and stuff like that. When you have healing friendships, when I found my friends
Because they set my expectations so high. Set my expectations way too high. Anyway,
Now it’s like, well, why would I ever wanna go back? Why would I go backwards? I know what a friendship can look like of friends that go all out for you, friends that think about you, things friends that consider you, that are there when you’re down, a genuine sisterhood of I got you, like when you’re down and from them showing me that, why would I then now settle for a friend that’s like Wha well
You’re not my business, I’m not your mum, I’m not gonna look after you, da da da da. I’m not gonna do that because my friends have showed me otherwise and I’m been opened my eyes to the fact that I there’s better friendships out there for me. And then on top of that, doing the inner work and doing the and having the understanding of myself and understanding of how I show up as a friend and knowing me and knowing my values of a friendship and the kind of friendship friend I am has also helped me to at least
be what’s the word like be picky and be understanding with my friendships. No, be picky with my friendships because I’m like I know the kind of friend I am, I know what I offer and I know how I can make another person feel. And if you’re not gonna bring anything to me, if you’re gonna make me feel crap and I’m gonna make you feel good and I’m gonna bring something valuable to a friendship, I’m not gonna do that. I’m not gonna waste my energy.
on something when I feel like I’m I’m gonna be just distributed love that I’m not gonna get back or I’m not gonna
Or I’m just gonna end up feeling down because I’m giving, giving, giving, and I’m not getting and my cup is not being filled. Not saying everything I do is always transactional. It’s not that, I give my friend a gift, now she has to give me a gift back. No. But it’s about knowing that that love is there and that love is being shared and distributed. It might not be distributed in the same way, but it’s going both ways. And
because I know what it is that I do and how I can make a friend feel, I’m like, nah. If if you’re not gonna show up for me then or show up in a way that’s gonna make me feel loved, then I would rather save myself from it. Because I’m also taking away from giving to people who actually do deserve it, you know? And so it is important to
Just reflect and and make sure you’re doing the inner work to become a better friend and when you know that, hey, every day I get up and I work towards becoming a better person and I I surrender to my blind spots. I allow myself to learn. That’s a beautiful thing, you know, when you know the kind of friend that you are. And yeah, so my biggest thing is learn about yourself, be curious about yourself, understand yourself and surrender, surrender to the outcome, surrender to
the story and every single season there’s something that you can learn from. So keep learning and know that your time will come, inshallah. And yeah. My throat is so dry. And I spoke a lot. There was no scenario this episode. But I hope that you guys took from it and something will change with your within your friendships, inshallah. Thank guys for everything. We’ll see you next time. Love you.
